A FOOL!

Hey Bloggy, I am back again. See? now I don't break my promise anymore. By the way, how are things going on? Is everything alright? well, I know it is. Bloggy, I don't know what I must tell you. There have been many things I have not told you lately. You know, I left you for several months. And I still feel guilty about it. My time is wasted for million useless activities which if only I realized people are fake, I would have more time with you improving my writing skill which is one of the most important elements I must have as a literature student.

Bloggy, one of the reason why I regret leaving you is this man. Wanna know more about him? well, actually I do not want to talk about him anymore, but I think I must confess that he is the reason why I stopped writing you any word. Bloggy, I just never thought that love could waste so much times; sometimes I wonder whether love does waste a lot of time and energy or is it me who decided to dedicate the time and energy I have for the love itself?. Buddy, I'm gonna be 19 this November, but I still have no idea what love is and what I should do to it.

My dearest Bloggy, I met this man a year ago. We went to the same university and were in the same major. The first time I saw him, he looked so fine. He seemed funny, I laughed at every single of his jokes, and he laughed at mine, too. We got along really well. And we did have things in common. We have the similar family backgrounds, but his is more complicated than mine. He seemed so mature and intelligent. That is the reason why my heart fell apart; Scattered around his heart and beat as one in several seconds right when he spoke to me. Our hearts became close to each other. I was so happy as if there had not been any problem in my entire life. I lost all my feelings to the previous love I used to have; I lost the love, the longing, and even the hatred. It was like he built the brand new life for me.

It was right eight months ago about six hundred feet under the shining stars; surrounded by the embrace of blowing wind, he whispered the words I never thought he would do to me. 'Will you take me as I am?' I asked, "I'll try to" he answered; there seemed no doubt on his eyes, so I believed in him. At that time I was officially the queen of his heart. The one he would cherish with all his heart. The one he thought he would spend the rest of his lives with.

But look what he had done to me, Bloggy. I never thought that he is actually a fake one. He is not real! I hate him as much as I loved him. I thought he would take me as I am, just like he told me long ago; I thought he would understand what love is. But he just made this relationship went as his way. He regarded this as 'his love story' not 'our love story'. He expected me to understand every single of his stuffs, but he would never understand mine. He broke my heart every time he wanted. He took me again every time he needed me. He mocked me every time we fight, made me cry million times. He wanted to be wanted without realizing that I AM THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE WANTED. I never thought he could turn to be such a jerk, Bloggy. He told everyone that I AM UNGREATFUL, CHEEKY, AND CHILDISH. Bloggy, I DO NOT MISS HIM; I MISS WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS.

Bloggy, wish God understand how I wish someone could define love in a word, but it'll never happen. Thus I wish there could be someone showing what the true love is. The love I always expect even though my heart could never have any idea what it is. Well, sounds pretty weird and fool, huh? but that's who I am. FOOL!!! and that's what HE MADE ME!

In the Name of Blank Pages

Dear Bloggy, how are things going on with you? I do hope it's all going well. You know I've been missing you so much this whole time. Then I do hope you feel the same way; well, I know you do. Anyway, I don't know where I should start all these things, for there are more than a million stories have not been told since the last time I left you alone. But above all these, I want to apologize leaving you for no reason. Bloggy, I know perhaps you hate me; you feel like I just come over when "I'm turning blue", or you even feel like a doormat. Nevertheless, whatever you feel, I just want to apologize and really beg for your forgiveness because I now realize that I'm the most selfish one in the world. And of all the things that happened to me along these days, I now realize that you are the best things I have ever had; you are my truly best friend. Even though you're silent, but your silence does relieves me.

Bloggy, I really hate how this world fools me, how this lust and greed made my entire time was wasted. My life has been like an endless grotto. Even I have no idea where which path I should take. Every night before I fall asleep, my mind takes me to a beautiful journey; the endless imagination which make me feel like the most powerful person ever lived. I dream this and that, I become the smartest person, the most famous blogger, or a new york times best-selling author whose books are sold in million copies. After that, I feel like I was dropped from thirty feet high air planes. Then I took myself to the reality and finally realize that I'm just nobody. I'm stuck in the same place I've always been. My heart screams like million bats knowing this body, mind, and soul are arguing about where they should go.

Bloggy, I pray to God every time asking for his opinion. I ask him for the true friends I always waiting for. And after all this time, God has showed me who my real friends are. They are God itself and absolutely without a doubt...It's YOU. I am so sorry for leaving you, I thought people are real, but they are not (well, some of them are, but mostly, they're not). The only true things in this world are God and you, the blank page.